Empathy isn’t intuitive: how to react when someone is being vulnerable with you.

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health expert. Please seek advice from an accredited professional.

I absolutely hated daycare and spending time at pre-kindergarten and there was a particular event which sent me over the edge. I was minding my own business, playing with some building blocks, and had managed to assemble a colossal structure. It was magnificent. In the space of 10 seconds, it was reduced to rubble by some random tubby kid and I was left in ruins, similar to that pile of bricks. My mum’s immediate reaction upon hearing this news was to console me and offer to rebuild the tower I had worked so hard to create at home.

This model of empathy is effective as a child; there is a clear 1-2 step process to remedy most situations and our primary caretaker goes on to shape our understanding of how we behave in future situations similar to this.

However, as we mature and go through ordeals in life, these traumatic situations increase in complexity and aren’t easily solved like buying some new Lego or putting a bandaid over a scraped knee.

When we’re empathising with a friend, family member, or even a stranger, we often immediately go to console them and solve their troubles. For example, if someone says “I’m unloved” because their partner left them, the knee-jerk reaction is generally to show or tell them in some sort of way you love them. If they say they feel “trapped”, more often than not, you try to create a freeing or safe environment.

Although these reactions are well-intentioned, they do not allow for those who are being vulnerable to fully articulate and express themselves. When they’re racked with emotion and this inner turmoil is stewing, they cannot continue unloading this while being interrupted. I know how difficult it is to bite your tongue, especially if you’re very close to them.

Instead, as they’re expressing themselves, allow them to think between the silences as they talk. Be fully present with them in the moment by just sitting and focusing on what they’re saying. When they can’t find the words they’re looking for, guide them back on track by asking them what they’re feeling—i.e. “I feel like shit, my heart is just so heavy…” you can respond along the lines of “you feel terrible and heartbroken?” You don’t have to get it spot-on, but the reassurance that you’re truly listening is a major emotional support.

Unlearning how we are traditionally empathetic and the immediate response to understanding others isn’t easy, but a conscious and deliberate effort when we’re put in environments that require this is a critical step in this journey. There will undoubtedly be many times in your life that you will be the shoulder others lean on. Making yourself someone that actively listens can help those in need, understand their emotions and make sense of their world.

We often know how to fix our own problems and what steps we need to take. It's made difficult when the emotional burden of messy feelings clouds our judgement. Talking through things and being a support system makes navigating these situations significantly easier for those affected.

Reach out to me anytime: neeraj.subbanna12@gmail.com or https://www.linkedin.com/in/neeraj-subbanna/